Metal Gear DLC: Mistral Story
by BurgerLover
Summary: The epic long awaited sequel to Raiden's Orthodontist Apt. hits shelves today! Learn about Mistral's mysterious past, while unveiling a deceptive plot device!
1. Chapter 1

Mistral sat at home petting her doggie. This was of course, 1 year before the events of Rising. It was a compelling mutt. She named of WOFY, and it stuck. Mistral was married to an abuse husband, Kustral at the time. He abused her everyday, often forcing her to eat EXPIRED CEREAL BARS. "Shh.." Mistral pet her wolf hound. "Warning: Kustral is in the vicinity. It was breakfast time 2 hours ago, and you still have not eaten, Mistral." WOFY warned Mistral ahead of her demise. But his warning was in vain, for Kustral burst the door down as he entered. "Hunny! I brought you some breakfast." He held a bag of dwarf gekkos in his hand. "They are expired, aren't they?" Mistral hinted to WOFY. "Scanning...Expiration Date: 26 July 2007. Current Date: August 5 2017." Kustral smashed his fist into WOFY, blasting him across the room. "YOU DAMN MUTT KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT." He roared at WOFY. WOFY's faceplate glowed as he responded, "CORRECTION: I have no mouth. I have a speaker." Mistral ran into the kitchen and tossed a jar of peanut butter into the trash. She knew if she had not thrown it away it would end up in WOFY's speaker for making such a comment. "MISTRAL. EAT YOUR FUCKING CEREAL BARS!" Kustral roared into the Kitchen. Mistral began sweating. She broke out of her hypnosis therapy. "AHH!" Mistral screamed. She slowly calmed down, remembering she was at the acupuncture place to release tension. Mistral sighed. "Sorry. I just... Had a bad flashback of my abuse husband in the past..." Mistral got up and payed by check. She started her vacation poorly already, but this wouldn't stop her. She was heading to the beach.


	2. Chapter 2

Mistral arrived at the California beach. She had a beach ball, an umbrella, a towel, and a dwarf gekko chair. She placed her towel down on the ground and then put the dwarf gecko chair on top of that. She sat down and enjoyed the breeze. The dwarf gekkos were malfunctioning at how huge she was. Suddenly she saw a brand spankin' new fiery red 2018 convertible Ferrari sports car pull up in the beach parking lot. It was Sam, Monsoon, Sundowner, WOFY, and Armstrong. "Hey guys, over here!" Mistral waved. They all got out of the car and walked over to her. "So. I see you got your new sports car, Sam." Mistral commented. "Hell jea, jou see this baby?" Sam spanked it and it mooed a little. "I also got this!" Sam pulled out his American Citizenship Card. "Wow!" Mistral was surprised, as she never thought Sam was actually intelligent enough to obtain one. "Ah, this reminds me of when I craved so badly to dispense justice to the world." Sam babbled, and went into a flashback... Sam and Monsoon were in 3rd grade in the Christian Academy in 1990. Sam had the nasty teeth that all children of third world countries have, and Monsoon could only cut himself into four pieces instead of a hundred. Their teacher was an American named Kustral. "And now, you little uncivilized Heathens, turn the page to 324." Kustral instructed. Monsoon never paid attention in class because his dad was Kustral. He always picked on that poor Russian girl Olga instead! Sam-urai couldn't bare to see this act of injustice and yanked on Monsoon's hair. "OW! Don't touch me you meat eater!" Monsoon flashed an tangry glare of shiny white teeth. Sam was jealous that Monsoon's family could afford to get him nicer teeth while Sam's teeth rotted into the next century. "SAMUEL! GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW YOU SHITHEAD!" Kustral roared at Sam. Monsoon smirked and stuck out his tongue at Sam in a cocky 'nananabooboo' way. Sam stuck out his tongue back and ran to Principal Armstrong's office. Armstrong was sitting in his office with his 90s poof, not looking very happy at all. "Samuel Rodrigues...this is the third time you've been sent to my office because of your...'justice callings'..." Armstrong smoked his cigar. "Sir, as a samurai, I have a code of honor..." Sam was cut off. "Sam, do you know of any Samurai that are living around here?" Armstrong asked. "No...well, I suppose my father, sir. I am also train..." Sam was cut off again. "Son, do you know why there aren't any Samurai alive right now?" Armstrong bent over his desk to look Sam straight in the eyes. "Because..." Sam was slammed to the ground by Armstrong. "BECAUSE THEY WERE FUCKING IDIOTS, SON. ALL THIS 'CODE OF HONOR' BULLSHIT GOT ALL THEIR FUCKFACES ANNIHILATED." Armstrong roared like a lion. Sam got up instantly and ran out of Armstrong's office. "YOU BETTER REMEMBER THAT KID...AND IF YOU GET ANOTHER REFERRAL I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF YOU FUCKER!" Armstrong screamed down the hallway..."Baby doll, can papa set his buns there?" Sundowner asked. The dwarf gekkos shook their bodies in a "no" way, but of course Mistral, being the good wifey she is, let her second husband sit in the chair. "Ahhhh..." Sundowner relaxed in the chair as the dwarf gekkos cried in pain. The one dwarf gekko that held Sundowner's fat ass wanted to seppuku so bad. Sundowner then let one rip and the dwarf gekkos fell apart in sheer disgust at his obese farts.


	3. Chapter 3

Mistral picked up the fallen dwarf gekkos... and gasped in horror as one of them ripped off her launder-RAY. Yes, Mistral had been concealing a Metal Gear RAY, the type that launders money, in her dress! "I- I can explain." Mistral started, but was interrupted by Sam. "Woah sēnimoochua! You had all that cash AND YOU DID NOT BUY ME A SPORTS CAR?" Sam raised his voice. "I-I-" Mistral did not know what to say. "Ahhhh. It's okay cheekiiita! I already got Raiden into debt for life! No reason to dawg on you!" Sam laughed. "Haha... Ugh yeah..." Mistral took the bait to escape the conversation. "Not so fast Mistral." Sundowner blocked Mistral's path. "You had all this money... And you deny me child support?" Sundowner wasn't countrying. Everyone gasped at this strange change of events, everyone except for Sundowner and Mistral. She began babbling in French. "Pork ugh suh eh ne!" She raged at Sundowner. Sundowner responded back in French. "SUkaLaBlowjAwb!" He roared back at her. Sam's mouth dropped as he witnessed this country fuck, this American self spoken warmonger, this Sundowner- he watched as though he experienced a new person. "WHY WONT YOU PAY FOR SUNDOWNEE TO HAVE COLLEGE!" Roared Sundowner in English at the end of their babbling. Everyone was silent. Mistral looked down, and tears began forming in her eyes. "I...I...can't let him go through what I experienced." She cried and turned her back to Sundowner. She went into a flashback of what happened to her in college.


	4. Chapter 4

Mistral slapped Sundowner hard. "You think you can treat me like some FUCKINGGGGG TREAT?!" Mistral had an enormously large penis today. "C'mon babie. Shhh. I just wanna nibble on your arms... They are SOOO fucking delicious." Sundowner was hitting on Mistral again. No one can really blame Sindowner, Sundowner's 'Emo' nickname he had when he was a punkaholic in college, because Mistral's many hands were indeed premium cereal bars. Mistral came back to reality. "Don't think I've forgotten your true colors...Sindowner." Mistral angsted at Sundowner. Everyone gasped again, and Raiden burst from the sky and landed on Mistral!


	5. Chapter 5

"AHHHHH!" Raiden cried as his face was thrust into Mistral's boobs. They deflated upon impact. Everyone gasped. "WHAT?! YOUR TITS ARE FAKE?!" Armstrong grabbed Raiden by the leg and threw him into the ocean. "Jou know cyborgs can't swim right?" Sam asked Armstrong. "Hah. Bitch." Armstrong took out a cigar and smoked it in Sam's face. "Why don't you go play in the sand with Mansuds while the adults talk?!" Armstrong commanded. "Monsoon and I are both adul..." Sam was cut off. "SON, DO YOU WANT ME TO BREAK OFF YOUR OTHER ARM?!" Armstrong roared. That was all Sam and Monsoon needed before they high tailed it into a sand pile near the shore. "Mistral...Sundowner...I think we need to talk." Armstrong smoked. "Start talking Mistral. This launder-RAY, Sundownee's college, and fake tits need some explainin'." Sundowner crossed his arms. "Well..." Mistral remembered college...1980; Mistral was smoking some pot with Sindowner. "Come on babe, just a little nibble.." Sindowner tried to touch her arm with his black painted nails. "Ugh, no!" Mistral slapped his hand away. "Heh...you know...niggers ain't nothin' without their white massas." Sindowner smirked. "Ugh! You racist warmonger!" Mistral got up and walked away. She wanted to get her mind off assholes like Sindowner. She went back to her dorm room and slammed her head on the ceiling. She looked around and noticed that her extra dwarf arms were missing! "Ugh, fucking roommate!" She angsted while storming off into the Texas University computer lab. Sure enough her roommate, Kustral, had taken her arms to show off to his nerdy friends. "You fucker!" Mistral banged on Kustral's head. "Ow geez Louise!" Kustral was a faggot with a bowl cut and glasses. "What do you think you're doing with my arms?!" Mistral asked. "Uhm...worshipping them? :)" Kustral pointed to his shrine of arms. Mistral was disgusted, but slightly turned on. "Kustral...do you...do you like...niggers?" Mistral asked. "I like the chocolate. The dark chocolate." Kustral's eyes expanded. Was he really going to get laid?! Mistral lunged at him and ripped off all his clothes. They banged right there in the computer lab...arms and all. When they were done, Mistral looked at Kustral. "So...where was the condom?" Mistral asked. "What condom?" Kustral asked. "..NOOOOOOOO!" Mistral screeched at the sky..."What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Armstrong asked. "Sorry...ever since I started acupuncture I've been having really bad flashbacks of painful memories." Mistral swooped her hair. "Is that why you won't pay for Sundownee's college?" Sundowner asked. "Well...not really...I..." Mistral was distracted by watching Sam bury the sleeping Monsoon in a beach trench near the waves. "Heh. Let's see jou disassemble your way out of this one esse." Sam opened Monsoon's mouth and carefully placed a twig in his nose. Monsoon snorted and snapped the twig. "WHAT! OH NO I'VE HURT NATURE!" Monsoon cried rainforest tears as he woke. Sam howled like a Mexican. "SAM YOU CARNIVORE. GET ME OUT OF THIS NOW YOU MEXICAN!" Monsoon raged like the flowing river. "I'M NOT MEXICAN I'M BRAZILANESE YOU VEGETARIAN CHUPRACABRA!" Sam angered while flipping off Monsoon and leaving him to melt as the tide came in. "I'M A VEGAN YOU BISEXUAL HEATHEN!" Monsoon volcanoed. Mistral watched all this and had another important flashback.


	6. Chapter 6

Mistral was giving birth. She watched in horror as the boxer mini dwarf gekkos pulled into her uterus, until the baby came out. It was disfigured, and had fifty arms. "I don't want a son with 50 arms. Amputate 48 of them." She angsted. And so the baby was engineered to have two arms only. After she came out of the hospital, she noticed no one hit on her anymore. It was because she grew into an incompetent woman who gave birth to a baby that confusion was amuck. Just a week before her pregnancy results came in, Mistral had fucked Sindowner... Or rather she gang banged his entire group. Mistral remembered sitting on the toilet and crying because she did not know whose baby she was pregnant with. There were four guys who had forgotten to use condoms- Armstrong, Sundowner, Kustral, and some other guy she couldn't remember. Mistral came back and looked into Sundowner's eyes. Then she threw up all over him. Being the good patriot Sundowner is, he mopped up the puke and threw it on the nearest grill. He started frying up some Puke Burgers. "Y'all calm down. We can talk about this another time." He smiled his toothy Colgate fresh smile as he flipped a puke burger on the grill. Mistral went over to the struggling Monsoon and was about to help him out when a dwarf gekko ran up to him and started dancing around him, "EYYYYY!" It screeeched. Monsoon spat raindrops at it. "Get away from me you carnivore!" The dwarf gekko stopped dancing and opened its friend up. It pulled out a freshly grilled steak. "Huh?" Monsoon condensated while looking at it. The dwarf gekko waddled to Monsoon and stood on one hand. It then placed a firm hand on Monsoon's jaw and cracked it open. "AWWWWWWWWWWW!" Monsoon tried to scream but it was somewhat diminished due to his jaw being displaced. Then another dwarf gekko came and handed that gekko a spoon. "EYYY!" "EYY!" They communicated to each other. One gekko held Monsoon's mouth open as the other one began spoon feeding Monsoon grilled steak. "NUUUUU!" Monsoon tried to howl like the roaring wind, but it was hopeless. Chunk after chunk the two gekkos forced him to swallow spoon bite sized steak bits. When they were done they danced around him. "EYYY EYYY!" They cheered in unison. Mistral was just staring at the scene, despite being two feet away from Monsoon. "I guess you aren't a vegan anymore. Hehe" she chuckled at Monsoon's dispair. He had a grumpy face. The dwarf gekko that had done this to Monsoon saw he was upset and went to console him. "EYY!" It shrieked and smashed Monsoon's jaw back into the correct position. "Thanks you little-" Monsoon tried to somewhat evaporate to thank it- but then the gekko proceeded to shove huge vegetable sticks down Monsoon's throat. He coughed and gagged, which made Mistral fall into a flashback of when she was a strip dancer.


	7. Chapter 7

"Step right up to watch the White Angel shake that thang!" Said the man in the top hat. Mistral was getting ready for the big show. This would be a big crowd today. She heaved a sigh and put on her powder. The show must go on! She attached only her arms and walked outside in the audience. She would be a backup dancer for the main showgirls tonight. The older lady purposely smashed into Mistral. "Think you can keep up?" snickered EVA. Mistral looked away, but then retorted, "Yea. Can you, oldie?" All the other show girls gasped. "Heh. They don't call me Big Momma for nothing." EVA rode out on her motorcycle on the stage. The other showgirls, Meryl, Olga, Strangelove, and Paz also walked on stage. Mistral was the newbie around here. But she had to pay the bills somehow, with Kustral being always gone on military operations and only spending the money on himself. Mistral took a deep breath and walked out on stage. There were so many people! But nonetheless, she dropped it and popped it like it was the 4th of July. Armstrong was there with emo teenage Sam. "Son, I felt kind of bad for ripping off your arm, so I thought I'd take you to a real show." Armstrong smoked his cigar. "It...it's fine..." Sam became emo and dishonored ever since he was bested by Armstrong and his daddeh was murdered. They sat at a table and were being served by teenage Monsoon. Sam took out his Murasama and began cutting himself. "Ugh. It's you." Monsoon glared like lightning. "...hey..." Sam emoed, without his signature Colgate smile. Armstrong smoked his cigar and looked at Mistral. "That bitch is fine," he commented. "THAT'S MY MOM YOU...!" Monsoon lavaraged. "I fucked your mom." Armstrong put his feet on the table. Monsoon's mouth gaped open in disbelief. "Now run along like the good eye-less Asian you are and get me some vodka." Armstrong snapped his fingers. Monsoon had a hissy fit of Darud Sandstorm and stormed off into the kitchen. "Heh." Sam somewhat smiled before cutting his arm where Armstrong had chopped it off before..."Monsoon, I just realized!" Mistral announced. Monsoon couldn't answer because he was choking to death. "You've always been an asshole to everyone, especially Sam! I want you to be nicer!" Mistral commanded. Monsoon began foaming at the mouth and seizuring. "Are you even listening to me?!" Mistral kicked Monsoon in the head and he fainted. "Ugh." Mistral lied on the ground and began sunbathing. "I'm gonna catch us a shark, and then you can grill it." Armstrong said to Sundowner before leaping into the ocean; clothes and all.


	8. Chapter 8

Armstrong dragged a big spankin shark out of the ocean. His sit had dissolved, and now Armstrong was bear ass-naked except for his swim trunks. "Catch son!" Armstrong senatored, and that was that. The huge spankin shark was too much for Sundowner to catch and he crumpled into the ground. Mistral walked up to him. "Mansex." She roared like the grizzly bare that was not bear-ass fucking Armstrong up the anus. "OHHH YAH. YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Armstrong howled while having a bear plunge it's animal Brock into his ass. Sundowner looked down. "You are right. I've been fat too long." Sundowner ripped off his trench coat he put on to reveal a treadmill grill! Sundowner began running in a white tank top; all whilst fiercely grilling burgers. Mistral sighed and slumped over. "This DLC was a fucking waste of time." She said, putting her sunglasses on as she fell into her comfy dwarf gekko chair.


End file.
